I don't hate you, but I don't like you anymore
by timeturnersandmoons
Summary: One-shot: Lily isn't sure she likes who James is becoming after he attacks Snape. Post Snape's Worst Memory, during a time when Lily and James had become friends. (Note: I haven't written fanfic in ages! It felt so good to write a Jily fic, even if it's filled with angst. Written quite quick so do let me know if there are any errors :) )


"Fuck off Potter"

He flinched. He wished she had said those words with the same amount of passion and fire she normally put into cursing him. But Lily's words had been strained and muffled. He had found her in the common room, sat on the windowsill with her knees pulled up under her chin, her effervescent red hair curtaining her face.

"Lil"

"Don't"…she looked up, red was swimming furiously in her eyes and tears dropped one by one down her cheek.

"Don't you dare take that pitiful tone, as if you're not the one in the wrong and this isn't exactly what you wanted. As if this isn't what you had been hoping for every miserable day of your sad existence."

He flinched again but didn't turn away. Putting his clenched fists into his pockets, he looked at her yearningly, trying to figure out a way to make her understand that what he had been doing was fighting to right a wrong.

"I swear, it wasn't supposed to end up so bad, Snape hexed Mary simply because she had been talking about Marty and you know what their disgusting beliefs on pureblood and muggleborn relationships are."

"You're kidding me right?" she stood up, her hands flying in the air. "Don't kid me or yourself- that's not what this was about! You wanted to feel like the hero-_James Potter, the saviour of the poor and defenceless_. Does it make you feel good about yourself? Like you're doing something other than flying around on a broomstick worried about a stupid ball? Snape's face was _purple and he_ _stopped breathing_."

He was the one who was mad now.

"Are you actually defending Snape? After everything he's done? He deserves it! He's in league with them! He practices Dark Magic and would spill muggle blood every chance he got! Why shouldn't I fight for our side? But I guess you're feeling sorry for lover boy even after what he said to you by the lake. Or have you forgotten?"

He saw her recoil and her breath caught. She was silent for a moment, watching him as if she hadn't seen him in a long time. He had gone too far.

"Lily, that came out wro-"

"No, that came out exactly how you'd been thinking it. You know I don't care about Snape, at least not anymore. But, what you did today and how you've been acting recently, this isn't you. I thought you were different, that you took a gentler route. I thought I had sided with the better man, but after what you did to Snape, I'm not so sure anymore"

Her voice hiccupped at the final words and he felt her words tug heavily at his heart. This wasn't supposed to happen to them, not anymore. He had changed and she knew that.

"Lily, we've come so far. Please", he begged. He drew closer to her and reached out his hand. But she pulled her arm back and held it behind her waist, as if his touch would burn her. "What Snape said, it reminded me so much of how he treated you. It made my blood boil. You know what he says about us now right?"

Lily sighed and pursed her eyes, as if she was trying to solve a difficult Runes question. It was her study look, one James had grown to recognise over the increasing time they spent together.

She spoke the next words quietly. "I don't care about what Snape says about me anymore. But I care about the type of man you are. I thought you had grown up James. I thought you understood that if we're going to beat them, we have to take a better route to them, one that is true to us. Violence makes us like them- as bad as them."

When her eyes opened again, he wished, for once, that he weren't looking in them.

"Please stop"…his voice croaked.

"Stop what?"

"Stop looking at me like that. Like you used to look at me before. Like you now look at Snape, as if you hate me"

A little piece of her heart broke off as he whispered those words and she looked at him, really looked at him. He was wearing the faded Chudley Cannons shirt that she had got him last Christmas; the Christmas that she had almost told him how she felt. How he made her feel like she had drunk butterbeer too fast, how she felt safe and how she felt she could fight what was out there if he was by her side. Her eyes travelled down to his bruised knuckles and she wasn't sure she felt so safe anymore.

"I don't hate you James. But I'm not sure I like you very much anymore"

And she held onto her heart, which was trying to run to him, and walked up the stairs, leaving behind a sea of silence and the words he'd never truly understand.


End file.
